When It’s Time to Level Up, the Universe Is Relentless

About a month ago, an unaligned man walked into my life.

I was sitting peacefully at a restaurant, minding my own business, when he came over and asked me how my salmon was. Seemed harmless enough. But my nervous system flagged something was off straight away. It wasn’t butterflies or excitement. Just this jittery, uncomfortable feeling that told me something wasn’t right. And then I clocked him staring at my boobs. Huge ick.

I answered him politely, he left, and I thought that was that.

But here’s what I noticed after he walked away. I went from sitting there quietly and peacefully to suddenly becoming socially louder. Sparking up conversations. Laughing a bit too much. Subtly peacocking. I was still being myself but there was this extra layer, like something in me had been triggered to perform. I couldn’t fully name it at the time. I just clocked it and filed it away.

A month passed. I’d almost forgotten about him.

And then there he was again. Same place. And this time I wanted nothing to do with him. No eye contact. No engagement. The boob staring, the ick feeling, the weird performance it triggered in me. I remembered all of it.

But here’s the interesting part. Even though I felt all of that, there was still this quiet little whisper underneath it all. This subtle pull wanting him to notice me. To validate me somehow. Even when I genuinely didn’t want him, some part of me still wanted to be seen by him.

I clocked it. Didn’t love it. But I clocked it.

He ended up chatting to my friend from across the restaurant. I turned to acknowledge him and he blanked me completely. I saw him outside afterwards, smiled, and got a death stare in return.

And I was like... ok then. 😂

This push pull was interesting to sit with. I didn’t want to engage with this man at all. And yet on some unconscious level I still wanted his approval. Even from someone who gave me the ick from day one.

Fast forward to this week. I’ve been doing a lot of inner work around men, love and self worth. Really bringing my patterns to the surface. The most recent being what I wrote about in my last post, the high threat man. The attractive man I would automatically avoid, ignore, shut down around. Not because I wasn’t interested, but because unconsciously I was rejecting him before he ever got the chance to reject me. A protection mechanism I’d been running on autopilot my entire life. (If you haven’t read that one, link is in my bio.)

So. The universe, being the absolute character that she is, decided it was time for a test.

My intuition nudged me to go to a café that was a little out of the way this morning. I almost talked myself out of it. But I listened. I walked in.

And there was boob starer. On a date. LOL.

And I noticed something. Almost immediately I had the urge to take off my big baggy t-shirt. I was just about to when I stopped myself. Why do I want to do that? To look more desirable? For him? And that’s when I caught it. I chose to change my behaviour. Because even for a man I didn’t even want, the old pattern was right there, ready to fire. Bringing awareness to it and choosing differently — that’s how you start to step out of old conditioning.

I wasn’t sure what to make of it at first. Why does this guy keep showing up? What is the universe trying to show me?

And then it clicked as I sat there. Because in that encounter I turned to look at him, tried to make eye contact, tried to smile. Twice. And twice he looked away from me.

And I thought, I don’t need to keep trying here. My intuition knew from the very first moment something was off about this man. My nervous system knew. The boob staring confirmed it. And here he was on a date, loud and performative. Everything my gut had already told me was being confirmed in real time.

Maybe that was the lesson. Trust what you already know.

But then, right in the middle of all of this, something else happened.

The hot guy from the café walked in. The one I would normally clock from my peripherals and immediately go into full avoidance mode around. No eye contact. 5 metre radius. Suddenly hyper aware of my every move.

Except this time I looked him right in the eyes and smiled.

And he did a double eyebrow raise back.

And I was like... wow. That was so easy. That felt so good. To just be myself.

It wasn’t really about him specifically. It was about the fact that for the first time I didn’t abandon myself the moment an attractive man walked into the room. I didn’t shrink. I didn’t shut down. I didn’t run the old protection strategy on autopilot.

I just showed up. As me.

And that is what true self worth actually feels like. It’s not just the self talk or the practices. It’s the moment you act differently. When you choose yourself so naturally you almost don’t even notice you did it.

The universe is wild. She will keep sending you the same lessons dressed up in different people, different cafés, different situations until you finally get it.

Trust your intuition. It knows before your mind does.

If you find yourself seeking validation from people who were never meant for you, don’t be hard on yourself. You’re only human. We all do it, clearly. But it’s about noticing it, questioning it, and choosing differently. That’s where the shift happens.

And show up as your whole, true self. Especially in front of the people who scare you the most.

That’s where the real healing lives.

🤍