The Hot Guy. The High Threat Man. I Was Avoiding Him Like the Plague

You know when you see the hot guy at the gym and you instantly go from your confident, full self into a no eye contact, avoidant weirdo? Acting like this man has an AVO out on you. Maintaining a 5 metre radius at all times. Suddenly hyper aware of your every move, overthinking every single thing you do.

Yepp. I know this scenario a bit too well.

For the last seven days, the universe kept putting the same type of man in front of me. At the café. At the class. At the restaurant. Multiple times a day, for a week straight. I felt the discomfort every single time, this weird tension I couldn’t name, but I had no idea what was actually going on. Until I sat down and started writing this. And then it all came flooding out.

When you don’t learn a lesson, the universe will make it more and more obvious until you can no longer ignore it.

I’ve always had guy friends. Or more accurately, I’ve always easily made friends with guys. But over the years I noticed these men were all low threat. And by low threat I mean: they weren’t an option for me romantically. Either I genuinely wasn’t attracted to them in that way, or they were already in a relationship.

A lot of my guy friends are attractive, sure. But I’m not interested in them like that, genuinely and because of that, I can be my full, complete self around them. Just like I would be with a girlfriend.

Over the years, especially with newer friendships, this got me into some very awkward situations. Because I’m so unapologetically me around them a lot of the time, the single ones would get the wrong idea, that it was “more” than friends. Which always frustrated me, because for me I was just being myself, being friendly. And the guy would always seem to get the wrong idea. A lot of the time it even ended the friendship, or we’d become a lot more distant.

Now let’s look at the high threat man.

This is the hot, good looking man. Or more accurately, the man I’m attracted to. Because it’s not purely about appearance. The moment I clock that a man is attractive to me, whether that’s his face, his energy, the way he carries himself, something in me immediately categorises him as a threat. Before I’ve even spoken to him. Before I even know anything about him.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been avoiding eye contact with this type of man. Not giving him any attention. I could see him from my peripherals, but I would completely ignore him. And the whole time I thought I was in control here. I genuinely believed I was doing this to not feed their ego. To not be another woman drooling over them.

But I’m now realising this whole damn time, what I thought I was doing, was actually my way of protecting myself. Closing myself off completely to the high threat man. Taking myself out of the equation before they ever had the opportunity to reject me.

This whole time I was abandoning myself.

As I write this, figuring it out in this very moment with these very words, I have tears in my eyes sitting in this café. Because how incredibly, heartbreakingly sad it is, that this whole time I’ve felt I needed to protect myself from a potential romantic connection. Rejecting them before they could reject me. My self-worth so unconsciously low. Feeling so unworthy that, unconsciously, that’s how I would react to a man.

My poor, beautiful soul. This whole time she was abandoning herself just to stay safe.

There’s actually neuroscience behind this too. When the brain perceives a situation as high-risk, social rejection, vulnerability, potential humiliation, the amygdala fires a threat response. The same one triggered by physical danger. So my nervous system had literally learned to treat an attractive man like a threat to my survival. I was using avoidance as a protection strategy and my body had been running on autopilot.

Something Aaron Doughty said recently, really sank in: when you notice this pattern, act like they’re your best friend. Not in a fake way. But energetically, approach them with the same ease, the same warmth, the same lack of agenda you’d bring to someone you already feel completely safe with. Essentially: short-circuit the threat response before it takes over.

Which I’m sure is easier said than done but it really would help to ease that anxiety.

This entry is such an epiphany for me. I was aware of the behaviour this whole time but I had no idea what it meant. Until now.

A 38 year-old woman who has been, without realising it, protecting herself from love. Reflecting on the last few years I went from choosing unavailable men, to settling for the almost-it’s, to now showing complete disinterest before a man can even say hello.

This whole time, abandoning myself before anyone else got the chance to.

My poor little inner child. She just wants to be loved. Fully. Safely. Securely. Wholly.

So where do I go from here? Honestly, I’m still figuring it out as I go, this realisation is literally hours old.

But I know where to start. First, the body. Somatic work — actually feeling the emotion. Finding where it’s stuck in my body and releasing it. Because this pattern doesn’t just live in my mind, it lives in my nervous system.

Then the inner child work. Going back to the part of me that decided she wasn’t worth the risk of being seen. Sitting with her. Telling her she’s safe now.

True self love. Not the surface kind. The kind that actually rewires the belief that I need to disappear before someone gets the chance to reject me. Giving my nervous system the safety she’s always deserved.

And then actually changing how I show up. Making eye contact. Being warm. Being fully, unapologetically me around a man I find attractive, the same way I’ve always been around the ones I don’t. No more performing. No more shutting down. No more abandoning myself on autopilot.

When was the last time I was able to do that?

→ Never.

But there’s a first time for everything.

So I’m ready to heal this once and for all.

Come at me, hot man. 😏